Voyeur Nation

We’ve become a nation of voyeurs. Between post-your-own video sites like YouTube, the increasingly tabloid-like slant that so-called reputable news agencies have adopted, and “reality” television, it seems like our sense of propriety – and our personal boundaries – are eroding at an alarming rate.

I bring to your attention Exhibit A: Michael Jackson’s death. The ensuing feeding frenzy of exposés, interviews with medical experts who are basically speculating aloud as to what actually happened, not to mention the three-ring-circus that passed for a funeral service, took what was a very sad occurrence and made it into entertainment. The poor man is dead. Let him rest in peace!

And for Exhibit B I submit to you the Gosselins. Thanks to their Jon and Kate Plus Eight reality show, all of America basically got a ringside seat to the dissolution of a family. Let me repeat that: a family fell apart, right before our eyes. Eight children are having to deal not only with their parents’ separation and divorce, but must now also endure seeing their parents’ faces splashed across supermarket tabloids.

I recently stumbled across one of those gossipy celebrity rags that pretty much blamed the Gosselins themselves for being paparazzi fodder – as if the members of the media were somehow being forced to stake these people out, dig for whatever dirt there might be, then trumpet it to the general public.

What is wrong with us as a society, that we think it’s appropriate to watch as situations like this grow more and more unpleasant? When we don’t stop to consider that human beings’ lives are involved here? These newshounds and gossip-mongers aren’t operating in a vacuum. Innocent bystanders are getting caught in the crossfire, apparently written off as acceptable collateral damage so long as these stories bring in viewers.

It’s pretty easy to point fingers at the media and decry their crass behavior, but odds are they’d focus on other things – perhaps even reporting actual news – if the public didn’t keep tuning in day after day to see the next chapter of these sordid sagas unfold. The media focuses on stories that attract viewers. The media won’t stop until we stop tuning in.

Something tells me that won’t be happening anytime soon.

Third Time’s a Spanking: Of Horses and Baggies

Recently I was watching one of those “50 Best (fill in the blank) of All Time” shows. The topic du jour was comedies.

You know how these shows work: the list is done in countdown format. The announcer recaps the movie, then two or three celebrities (or in this case, people who appeared in one or two movies 20 years ago) go on camera and explain why they think the movie is funny.

But dude? If you have to explain a joke, it didn’t work.

The show never really explained who came up with the list, what qualified a movie as one of the 50 funniest of all time, or how the ranking worked. But seeing how Dumb and Dumber was ranked higher than Young Frankenstein, I kinda suspect it was a group of buddies in their early- to mid-20s who concocted the list after ingesting a fair amount of beer. Or maybe tequila.

I have a theory about comedies. Well, not so much a theory as a description of a particular type of comedy which I only find amusing in small doses. I call it the horse-and-baggie approach.

See, it’s one thing to beat a dead horse. It’s another to beat a dead horse, then cut it into little pieces, then put each piece in a separate baggie and bury each baggie in a separate back yard.

Horse and baggie comedy seems to be based on the fervent belief that if a gag was funny once, it’ll be just as funny if you keep doing it. Repeatedly. In the same frickin’ scene.

I have a somewhat different point of view.

Do the joke, people either get it or don’t, and the scene moves on. Funny gags will wear out, and unfunny gags don’t get any more amusing through repetition. What they get is annoying.

As my dad was fond of saying, “Once is funny. Twice is too much. Third time’s a spanking.”

Common Sense, Isn’t

In my 40-odd years on this planet I’ve come to realize a few things. It’s more important to be kind than clever. Always drink your orange juice before you eat your Cap’n Crunch. And common sense is getting less common every day.

If someone claiming to represent your bank showed up on your doorstep and asked you to “confirm” your account number, social security number, password, and so on, you’d tell him to get lost, right? But for some reason, when technology enters the mix, critical thinking goes out the window. Someone who wouldn’t dream of giving personal or financial information to a stranger in person, will think nothing of sharing such details by e-mail or on a Web site.

It amazes me that some people have to be told not to believe everything they read just because it comes from the Internet.

More evidence that common sense has gone the way of the dodo: next time you’re behind the wheel, observe the other cars on the road. Make note of how few drivers seem to realize that the laws of physics are laws, not suggestions. We live every day of our lives with these laws. They apply equally to everyone.

• Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.
• Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
• Objects in motion tend to stay in motion (unless acted upon by an outside force).
• Objects at rest tend to stay at rest.

They’re simple concepts. They haven’t changed. But some yahoo always seems to think these rules just don’t apply to him (or her). At some point today someone, somewhere will try to outrun a train. Someone else will hydroplane a car right off the road. Still someone else will ride another driver’s bumper and realize about two seconds too late that the car ahead has slowed down, and will plow right into it.

Want more proof? Check out product packaging these days. Cups warn people that hot coffee is hot. Shouldn’t the steam be an indication? Instructions appear on tubes of toothpaste. Open cap, squeeze toothpaste onto toothbrush; brush teeth. That’s a fairly intuitive process, don’t you think?

My personal favorite are the labels warning consumers that cans of peanuts may contain -gasp – peanuts!

At what point did these things need to be explained to us?

I blame idiot-proofing.

Seriously. Legislators are desperately trying to protect people from their own stupidity. Seatbelt laws. Motorcycle helmet laws. Traffic lights with little arrows to indicate when it’s safe to make a left turn. Warnings not to mix water with electronics. I mean, come on. Is it really necessary to warn people that they shouldn’t make toast underwater?

And by idiot-proofing things, we seem to be accumulating an impressive number of idiots. We’re also bypassing natural selection by not letting people experience the natural consequences of their stupidity. It’s alarming, actually. Folks who would otherwise have removed themselves from the gene pool are now living long enough to reproduce.

We’re dealing with second- and third-generation dunderheads who can’t make change, don’t know who has the right of way, and believe everything they read online because if it’s on the Internet, it must be true. These are the folks who keep Jerry Springer and America’s Funniest Home Videos on the air. Because it’s funny to see someone get hit in the crotch with a baseball bat.

I wonder: if this continues, will we become a society that’s divided not only socially and economically, but intellectually, as well? Are we creating our very own race of Morlocks?

Because if that’s the case, I’d better get started working on my own time machine.

Minnesota: the Whimsy State

Recently I read a blog written by a guy who thinks every Minnesotan hates Fargo. Speaking as someone who was born, raised, and continues to live in Minnesota, I can assure you that’s just not true.

I absolutely loved that movie. So did many of my friends.

But it got me thinking. What are Minnesota’s major contributions to 20th- and 21st-century pop culture? Now, I’m not talking about literary types like Sinclair Lewis and F. Scott Fitzgerald. I’m thinking more along the lines of the Purple Dude, Peanuts, Joel and Ethan Coen, and a Prairie Home Companion.

That’s quite a disparity, there. (Ya do know what disparity means, doncha, Scotty?) But as diverse as they are, they have one thing in common: a certain, stubborn uniqueness. Garrison Keillor and Charles Shulz don’t go for knee-slapping, hit-you-over-the-head-with-it humor. Their approach is more wistful; melancholy, even.

The Coens’ perspective is decidedly skewed. I mean, c’mon, once you’ve done a chase scene that revolves around Huggies, there’s really no going back, is there?

And Prince? He’s just out there doing his own thing, by all appearances just for the joy of doing it. I’m not sure he cares if anyone else gets it or not.

The point I’m making is this: these people are Minnesota products. Each one dances to his own drum – sometimes literally. Their work can be downright whimsical at times.

In fact, that should be our new motto. Minnesota: the Whimsy State.

Embrace the cheese!

I’m a sucker for sci-fi. Have been all my life. Name a sci-fi television series or movie from the last 30 years or so and there’s a good chance I’ve seen it. Even stuff so awful that l could tell in grade school how bad it was. Somewhere along the way I learned to embrace the cheesy goodness.

I’m looking at you, Manimal. A series about a college professor who fights crime by turning into various animals? Gee, who could’ve foretold that failure? He was like the Wonder Twins’ long-lost brother, only without the matching purple jammies. I saw a rerun on SciFi a couple years ago; it was even worse than I remembered. I giggled all the way through it.

John Carpenter’s Vampires. One of the funniest movies I ever saw – although I don’t think it was meant to be a comedy. Sure, the dialogue sounded like it was generated by a computer and there was no character development to speak of. What really matters is it’s two hours of stupid, pointless violence and horrible special effects. Hey, if I feel the need to watch something about vampires that’s actually good, I can always bust out a little Buffy.

But by far the most idiotic (and fun) sci-fi cheese I’ve ever seen was a 1980 Italian-made movie released in the US under the name Superfuzz. Terence Hill plays a cop who gets superpowers after he’s exposed to this red stuff from a nuclear explosion. Basically he turns into Superman – except instead of kryptonite, his weakness is red.

Yes, red. The color red. When he sees something red, he loses all his powers. Eventually he beats the bad guys and marries his girlfriend. The “surprise ending” is so stupid it’s actually brilliant. And did I mention the cop’s sidekick is played by none other than Ernest Borgnine?

That alone should send you looking for a copy.