Common Sense, Isn’t

In my 40-odd years on this planet I’ve come to realize a few things. It’s more important to be kind than clever. Always drink your orange juice before you eat your Cap’n Crunch. And common sense is getting less common every day.

If someone claiming to represent your bank showed up on your doorstep and asked you to “confirm” your account number, social security number, password, and so on, you’d tell him to get lost, right? But for some reason, when technology enters the mix, critical thinking goes out the window. Someone who wouldn’t dream of giving personal or financial information to a stranger in person, will think nothing of sharing such details by e-mail or on a Web site.

It amazes me that some people have to be told not to believe everything they read just because it comes from the Internet.

More evidence that common sense has gone the way of the dodo: next time you’re behind the wheel, observe the other cars on the road. Make note of how few drivers seem to realize that the laws of physics are laws, not suggestions. We live every day of our lives with these laws. They apply equally to everyone.

• Two objects cannot occupy the same space at the same time.
• Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
• Objects in motion tend to stay in motion (unless acted upon by an outside force).
• Objects at rest tend to stay at rest.

They’re simple concepts. They haven’t changed. But some yahoo always seems to think these rules just don’t apply to him (or her). At some point today someone, somewhere will try to outrun a train. Someone else will hydroplane a car right off the road. Still someone else will ride another driver’s bumper and realize about two seconds too late that the car ahead has slowed down, and will plow right into it.

Want more proof? Check out product packaging these days. Cups warn people that hot coffee is hot. Shouldn’t the steam be an indication? Instructions appear on tubes of toothpaste. Open cap, squeeze toothpaste onto toothbrush; brush teeth. That’s a fairly intuitive process, don’t you think?

My personal favorite are the labels warning consumers that cans of peanuts may contain -gasp – peanuts!

At what point did these things need to be explained to us?

I blame idiot-proofing.

Seriously. Legislators are desperately trying to protect people from their own stupidity. Seatbelt laws. Motorcycle helmet laws. Traffic lights with little arrows to indicate when it’s safe to make a left turn. Warnings not to mix water with electronics. I mean, come on. Is it really necessary to warn people that they shouldn’t make toast underwater?

And by idiot-proofing things, we seem to be accumulating an impressive number of idiots. We’re also bypassing natural selection by not letting people experience the natural consequences of their stupidity. It’s alarming, actually. Folks who would otherwise have removed themselves from the gene pool are now living long enough to reproduce.

We’re dealing with second- and third-generation dunderheads who can’t make change, don’t know who has the right of way, and believe everything they read online because if it’s on the Internet, it must be true. These are the folks who keep Jerry Springer and America’s Funniest Home Videos on the air. Because it’s funny to see someone get hit in the crotch with a baseball bat.

I wonder: if this continues, will we become a society that’s divided not only socially and economically, but intellectually, as well? Are we creating our very own race of Morlocks?

Because if that’s the case, I’d better get started working on my own time machine.

Minnesota: the Whimsy State

Recently I read a blog written by a guy who thinks every Minnesotan hates Fargo. Speaking as someone who was born, raised, and continues to live in Minnesota, I can assure you that’s just not true.

I absolutely loved that movie. So did many of my friends.

But it got me thinking. What are Minnesota’s major contributions to 20th- and 21st-century pop culture? Now, I’m not talking about literary types like Sinclair Lewis and F. Scott Fitzgerald. I’m thinking more along the lines of the Purple Dude, Peanuts, Joel and Ethan Coen, and a Prairie Home Companion.

That’s quite a disparity, there. (Ya do know what disparity means, doncha, Scotty?) But as diverse as they are, they have one thing in common: a certain, stubborn uniqueness. Garrison Keillor and Charles Shulz don’t go for knee-slapping, hit-you-over-the-head-with-it humor. Their approach is more wistful; melancholy, even.

The Coens’ perspective is decidedly skewed. I mean, c’mon, once you’ve done a chase scene that revolves around Huggies, there’s really no going back, is there?

And Prince? He’s just out there doing his own thing, by all appearances just for the joy of doing it. I’m not sure he cares if anyone else gets it or not.

The point I’m making is this: these people are Minnesota products. Each one dances to his own drum – sometimes literally. Their work can be downright whimsical at times.

In fact, that should be our new motto. Minnesota: the Whimsy State.

Embrace the cheese!

I’m a sucker for sci-fi. Have been all my life. Name a sci-fi television series or movie from the last 30 years or so and there’s a good chance I’ve seen it. Even stuff so awful that l could tell in grade school how bad it was. Somewhere along the way I learned to embrace the cheesy goodness.

I’m looking at you, Manimal. A series about a college professor who fights crime by turning into various animals? Gee, who could’ve foretold that failure? He was like the Wonder Twins’ long-lost brother, only without the matching purple jammies. I saw a rerun on SciFi a couple years ago; it was even worse than I remembered. I giggled all the way through it.

John Carpenter’s Vampires. One of the funniest movies I ever saw – although I don’t think it was meant to be a comedy. Sure, the dialogue sounded like it was generated by a computer and there was no character development to speak of. What really matters is it’s two hours of stupid, pointless violence and horrible special effects. Hey, if I feel the need to watch something about vampires that’s actually good, I can always bust out a little Buffy.

But by far the most idiotic (and fun) sci-fi cheese I’ve ever seen was a 1980 Italian-made movie released in the US under the name Superfuzz. Terence Hill plays a cop who gets superpowers after he’s exposed to this red stuff from a nuclear explosion. Basically he turns into Superman – except instead of kryptonite, his weakness is red.

Yes, red. The color red. When he sees something red, he loses all his powers. Eventually he beats the bad guys and marries his girlfriend. The “surprise ending” is so stupid it’s actually brilliant. And did I mention the cop’s sidekick is played by none other than Ernest Borgnine?

That alone should send you looking for a copy.

Please won’t someone think of the dandelions?

Recently I realized something. At some point during the six years I’ve been a home owner, dandelions became the enemy. Those cheery little sunburst puffs I took such delight in as a child have somehow morphed into this formidable foe I feel an irrational need to eliminate. Dandelions haven’t changed. Why has my perspective?

I have no issue with the wild violets that have also sprouted up in various spots. I think they’re pretty. And from a totally aesthetic point of view, the yellow of the dandelions against the purple of the violets actually looks pretty. And the dandelions aren’t really HURTING anything. It’s not like the grass minds their presence.

But day after day I find myself outside, garden spade in hand, digging up those little yellow buggers – preferably by the roots. Am I a dandelion bigot? If so, will weed huggers show up outside my house, picket signs in hand, protesting my unfair treatment of these helpless plants?

From a strictly Darwinist point of view, they’ve certainly shown impressive survival skills. Over the years I’ve poisoned them, uprooted them, and tried everything I can think of to create as dandelion-hostile an environment as possible. Yet year after year they keep coming back.

Maybe I should stop putting so much time and energy into eradicating all things dandelion from my yard. Give in to Mother Nature and concede the field, as it were. Stop trying to force an artificial ideal of pristine, perfectly groomed fields of emerald onto a more natural mixture of grass, flowers, and yes, even weeds.

Nah. Those suckers are goin’ DOWN.

Where Have All the Verbs Gone?

I’ve been wondering something for a while now. Exactly when did news anchors decide that verbs were a bad thing?

It hit me one day as I was watching a national news broadcast. The anchor would say things like “Up next: civil unrest in the Sudan”. Not “there’s been civil unrest in the Sudan” or “civil unrest is on the rise in the Sudan”. No verbs whatsoever.

At what point did the news agencies of America decide that they needed the extra .02 seconds of time they saved by skipping all forms of be? It makes the English major in me cringe to watch Cookie Monster English go out over the airwaves.

I especially like hearing news anchors bemoaning the dumbing down of America and deteriorating writing skills while actively contributing to the problem. Irony much?